The Healing of the Inner Child

 It appears that the 2 hypnotherapy sessions have loosened up some old, powerful stuff. The sessions highlighted how deeply hurt the (my) inner child was, how I've lived my life wounded and wanting for all these years, looking for redemption in all the wrong places.

During the last 4-5 weeks, the need for recognition (a substitute for love) has grown out of all proportions, reaching left and right and clenching on anything that could provide relieve. But of course, nothing did. On the contrary. Relationships with close friends turned sour over an inconsequential debate, simply because my need for being recognized as some sort of "wise life coach" backfired badly. 

It annoyed me that I couldn't find a place to display my drawings. It irritated me that I couldn't find a place to continue doing my sound therapy sessions. After all, I didn't want to make money out of it, I just wanted to help people, or so I kept telling myself. In reality, all I wanted was to be seen. I wanted to be good enough to deserve love and attention. 

It hurt me that even my closest friends could not understand me and see my "higher wisdom". I complained about this to another friend and on a Facebook group of spiritually like minded people. So, while I was still reeling with righteous indignation, an angel called Tom Fischer wrote the following reply:

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I was suffering a lot from what you describe.

I would say: Don´t look for new friends and don´t leave the old ones, there is a reason why you are where you are, and when you have finished your lesson there will be no problem anymore with or without your old friends.

I guess you are repeating your childhood programming which is deeply imprinted in your neuro-biology, this means, even if you know what you are doing, even if you want to get out of this loop, you still go into this rabbit hole again and again.

You write:" I don't feel accepted for what I am and what I believe in. My ideas are ridiculed, outright dismissed and shut down quite aggressively"

Maybe this is exactly what you experienced in childhood(maybe without remembering or being conscious of).

I was growing up in a narcissistic toxic dysfunctional family.

They could not accept me for who I am, I was trying in vein to wake them up for centuries, hoping they will see and accept me one day for who I am. Of course they never did and they never will.

They could not, they are toddlers in an adult bodies.

This was so traumatizing that later in adulthood I still wanted to prove my reality or expanded view to others, I wanted to wake them up and I wanted to be right. I could not stand that most of the people are so "stupid". I was thinking if I work harder and explain it better next time, maybe THEN they will get it, they will see me.... finally.

-> Belief from childhood: I am not enough, I have to work harder to be seen and to be accepted. This was the underlying fuel that kept me in the same old loop.

Looking back and being honest to myself, I wanted to be right and I wanted that other people share the same reality that I have, so I feel better, which is pretty much ego and grandiosity.

I was playing god, thinking that I could change people, make them see "the truth", believing that when others see "the truth" too then everything will be alright, which of course is a delusion.

Ask yourself: what is your benefit from staying in these relationships?

There are some benefits for you, otherwise you wouldn´t stay there!

Imagine you sit together with some 7 years old children.

Would you try to prove to them your complex reality in foreign words?

If yes, what´s the point in doing this?

Do you feel better knowing more than these 7 years old children?

Do you call them stupid or feel resentments because they don´t get it?

Surely not! They are where they are and that´s ok.

I guess 80% of humanity are children in an adult bodies, they look like adults but you talk to emotional immature people and I am one of these too, even if I didn´t like to acknowledge this. I still have some immature blindspots and I had a lot(!!!) in the past. And these blindspots set me up for staying with other immature people to play that same old game in a repetition compulsion until I learn my lesson.

What helps me also is to realize the moments when I think or say that other people don´t get it, that this is mostly a projection that I don´t get something, but it is easier to see it in another person.

We all are in denial more or less, but recognize the denial mostly in the other person.

For example when someone was crossing my boundaries over and over, I started to complain why people are so toxic and encroaching. Resentments got stronger and stronger.

My locus of control was outside.

I was thinking when I can change that person or wake him up, talk to him again and again, then he will stop crossing my boundaries and everything will be fine. Of course this did not work. It was my own painful lesson learning to set strong boundaries to protect myself from these people.

Next time you meet with your old friends and these discussions start again, you can tell them in a friendly way that you don´t like these discussions that go nowhere and maybe end in conflict and drama.

Ask them if instead they want to go with you to the beach, play frisbee and have a good time together (for example) 🙂

If you still feel the need to be understood and to be seen and accepted, and you will...start understanding yourself, start seeing and accepting yourself and your own reality, which can be a long and ongoing process.

This was for me a game changer.

All my life I was looking so desperate for people who can understand and accept me. Why???

Because my locus of control was again outside, without realizing I needed this reassurance and appreciation from other people to feel ok.

If you can fully accept your own reality and love yourself as you are, then there is no need to prove anything to anyone and without judging you can let the people be wherever they are on their journey.

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While I was reading this, I felt astonished at how spot-on his points were. It literally gave me goose bumps. I knew right away that he was absolutely right. The problems were not caused by others or adverse circumstances. They were all caused by my own shadow, my wounded inner child who was awakened by the hypnotherapy sessions and who took center stage with outstretched arms. "I am here! Look at me." 
It was one of the biggest revelations I've ever had and I'm not quite sure about all the ramifications this insight will have, but I instinctively feel that the change is profound and widespread.