Transformation

 There has been quite a transformation in my life in the past few months. I went a few times to a therapist in Bkk to help me clear some very old dark spots in me. These spots were related to my parents and because they were left unchecked, they influenced all facets of my life. To be free, one must "kill his parents" first, metaphorically speaking of course. After that, when you encounter Buddha, you have to kill him too. That means that all false belief structures have to be torn down, including what we think spirituality is.

The dark spots in me were related to the relationship I had to my parents: shame, guilt, lack of love, lack of stability, security and approval. The obvious remedy to this seemed to be a need to prove myself in the eyes of others. To know more on an intellectual level, to be able to do more, learn new skills, to establish myself in the material world, to make progress in the spiritual world... All of that were cheap, very temporary feel-good patches designed to fill that black hole within. Once the high of achieving something (i.e. learning how to paint with watercolors, to name one) and sharing it online for brownie points, the high quickly wore off, and a new project had to be started. And so on and on. A futile endeavor from start to finish. 

The black hole cannot be filled by exterior action, ever. 

So I stopped everything. I stopped writing on the forum, painting, watchmaking, reading about spirituality, and planning new projects. Now I was seeing them simply as distractions. 

There's a change going on. Or maybe the shift has already happened, and the "change" is just me adapting to the new situation. Well, I'm a bit confused.

It appears that the things in my life that I thought were important and of value, are no longer so important. But the funny thing is that while this process is happening, more material abundance shows up. A new car came last month. Actually, it's a near new car with only 20k km, and it was a very good deal. Now we found a house that we both like and are thinking of buying. We've been house hunting here for about 10 years, but just now the ideal one appeared. 

Fear and doubts sometimes creep up in the evenings and make me ask: Do I deserve it? What if it's just another trick of Maya to keep me bound to the illusion?

But in the mornings the attitude is positive again. Trust that life provides what is needed, not what is wanted, always. And if there is trust, it must be total surrender to what is, no half-baked BS trust. 

Coincidentally, I recently stumbled on an audiobook on YT. "Enlightenment - The Damnedest Thing" by Jed McKenna. It came at the perfect time and was an eye-opener. Jed seems to be a fictional character, but there is no doubt in my mind that he (whoever the author is) KNOWS what he's talking about. He unapologetically says he stepped out of Plato's Cave (in other words, enlightenment) and describes the world from that point of view. I can honestly say that listening to this book was like a long-awaited cool breeze after a long, hot summer day. I realized that I knew what he was talking about. I've seen it too!, but I got sucked back into the illusion and ego-centered life I had before. I had awakened for a very short time (the kundalini experience) and then fell asleep again. Nearly 30 years have passed since. In this dream I was convinced that I was actually doing something to awaken again, when in reality it was just another dream, carefully designed to keep me dreaming in no way different from a dream about money and fame, or any other dream that we call "life journeys". Just. Another. Dream.

I don't know where this is going. I know for sure that there is no going back this time. I killed my parents. I killed Buddha. Who's next?!

Here is the link to the audio book. 

https://youtu.be/_Zq2L7MqWz4?si=ZrL8Au4tR9BGyY7G