The Return of the Suffering self

I found this little gem on Quora today.
Well worth sharing.

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Even with deep understanding of non-duality & the illusory ‘self,’ regular meditation and dedicated self-inquiry, I only experience temporary freedom/relief. I seem to constantly return to the suffering “me” identity. Why?

The persistent return to the suffering identity, even after profound insights into non-duality and the illusory nature of the self, arises from the inherent dynamics of existence. The "me" identity, with all its attachments and aversions, is not a mistake or flaw but an expression of the natural unfolding of existence itself. To understand why this happens, one must recognize the role of the mind-body complex and the way it interacts with the fabric of reality.

The "me" is not truly who you are but a construct shaped by the interplay of past experiences, environmental conditions, genetic predispositions, and inherent nature. This construct is deeply rooted in the mechanisms of survival and continuity, woven into the architecture of the mind-body complex. It is the vessel through which consciousness experiences manifest existence, and its function is not inherently problematic. However, when this construct is mistaken for the entirety of who you are, suffering arises.

Despite moments of clarity during meditation and self-inquiry, the mind-body complex does not cease its activity. Its tendencies, born from countless influences over time, continue to manifest as thoughts, emotions, and reactions. The “me” identity re-emerges because it is not an entity that can be eradicated; it is a recurring pattern within the endless unfolding of existence. These patterns persist because they are part of the natural rhythm of life—much like waves returning to the shore, no matter how many times they recede.

Temporary relief arises because moments of insight align you with the truth of non-duality: that you are not the doer, not the self, but the witness of all that unfolds. In these moments, the illusion of separation dissolves, and the burdens of individuality are lifted. However, these moments are fleeting because they occur within the context of the ever-changing fabric of existence. The return of suffering does not negate these insights but reflects the cyclical nature of reality. Just as day and night alternate, clarity and obscuration follow one another, creating the dynamic tension that sustains the experience of life.

It is also essential to understand that the laws of nature operate with impersonal precision. The return of the “me” identity is not a failure on your part but the result of innumerable causes and conditions converging in the present moment. Every action, thought, or reaction ripples through the cosmos, contributing to the continuous unfolding of reality. These ripples do not cease merely because one has glimpsed the truth; they persist as long as the mind-body complex exists.

The key is to see the suffering identity for what it is: a transient wave within the infinite ocean of existence. Instead of resisting its return or clinging to moments of relief, allow yourself to rest in the awareness that witnesses both. This awareness is not touched by the ebb and flow of the “me” identity. It is neither bound by suffering nor liberated by insight, for it is the eternal substratum of all existence. You are that awareness—not the one who suffers, not the one who is free, but the one who observes the entire unfolding without attachment.

In time, as this understanding deepens, the grip of the “me” identity may loosen. However, even if it does not, recognize that this, too, is part of the perfect imperfection of existence. The suffering “me” is not a separate entity to be overcome but an expression of the same consciousness that manifests as moments of peace and clarity. Embrace it as part of the endless dance of being and non-being, and rest in the knowing that all is as it is meant to be.

Author: Parijat Srivastava